In the beginning..10/16

Ok so I started this diary over a year ago with high hopes that it would be the greatest words splashed on paper. That there would be ideas flowing out of my Ass and I would have so much to talk about that I would be bustin' out hilarious stories and essays of testament every other day. This is my second posting… since feb..of 2015.

But taken in the consideration that I don’t know what the hell I'm doing when it comes to bloggin and I'm not the best person when it comes to advice( or grammar for that matter),  I wasn’t overly surprised when I was completely lost when I sat down to start typing away about my journey. I had/have all these goals and aspirations that I wanted to fulfill and document but somewhere along the road.. I feel off the trail.

" I mean geesh!!  I don’t know how ya'll busy moms do it. How do ya'll keep up with everything that life demands and not lose yourself in the process? "

Previous to the summer I had a full time job, kids sports practices,  homework ,and a house to keep clean. And thats not even half of the crap I wanted to have going on.. That’s just what I could fit in.

There are amazing Women out there that do wonders like in addition to doing all the stuff I mentioned above, they also find the time to keep up on their health and relationships,  working out, garden,  PTA, business ventures, ninja club and  moving mountains .. Its pretty impressive. Probably a winning combination of waking your ass up  @ 5am everyday, double shot lattes and special powers from the gods above.

" And single moms.. oh Man don’t even get me started! It takes a lot to be a single mom and an amazing person to boot!"

So though I'm not hitting as many home runs compared to some of those super moms out there, I at least  am in the batting line up with my uniform on right side out. And maybe I hit a lot of walkers but I'm lucky to be on the mom team.

"Mmm  ok.. Ok lets face it I probably hit a lot of foul balls and  I was picked last.  I'm convinced that I'm doing ok balancing life's obstacles. Or I was sure until this summer."

THE REALITY THAT HIT ME THIS SUMMER

Since I was 14, I have been Working. I had the privilege of starting that early in life.. And it didn’t have anything at all to do with my mother telling me " I ain't buying you nothin' any more.. You better get a job" I took that as a sign as I better get a job.. And Quick. I started working at a fast food joint as soon as I turned 15 and have had a job ever since.

 As I grew older I gained more responsibility  and started a family of my own. By then there was no 'not working' for me. Bills had to get paid and kids needed diapers.  I was a single mom there for a while too so I really didn’t have a choice. I knew I had to do what I needed to do to be able to provide for my kid. But when I was 22 I met my Angel and he and I started working on life together. We juggled our schedules so that we didn't have to enroll the kids into daycare and found time in-between for each other . After a while things got easier.  After 10 years of stabilizing ourselves we finally felt comfortable in our position as a family and couple. We thought 'WOW! this is what it's like huh?'

And then At the beginning of the summer 2016 it happened.. the need for a daycare. All this time angel and I had been building our business and working fulltime with opposite schedules we never thought about what we would do if we both had day jobs. 2016 is the year of our day jobs.

We never really received help form our family as far as daycare goes and we never thought we would be working in the daytime at the same time. I usually worked the day job and angel, the night shift. We worked it out to be that way. But when  his tattoo business took off he needed to switch to a dayshift schedule. We were at a loss as to what do with our daughters while we worked. The only other time I used a daycare is when my oldest  daughter, Lilly, was really young ( 1-2 yrs old). I was a young, single mother at the time and I didn’t know what to look for in a daycare other than someone who seemed nice enough to look after the kid. I know Lilly didn’t like being there due to the times she got kicked out of daycare for hitting the other little kids.  Apparently she had a right hook that other moms didn't appreciate quite like I did. And at that time Lilly wasn't about that SHARING life. After a while I moved in with my mother to help with her with her in- home daycare she just happen to start at that time and I was lucky enough to stay home with Lilly until I moved to Texas and she started school.

Fast  forward to 2016…

Like any parent Angel ( my husband) and I were concerned by the reputation and abilities of the daycares in our area. Granted our kids are older so they don’t need much supervision but I have a nephew in daycare in the area and my sister always told me her stories about the ladies and how 'mean' they were to the kids. Now I don’t know how much 'mean' they can get away with, it’s a state approved daycare; I mean I  imagine my sister just babies her child more than normal but still it was a major concern for not having the best experience with daycares in the past. We paid a good friend of ours for a while to help us with the girls when our schedules would over lap but even that became expensive as our schedules began to over lap more frequently. And then finally the deadline was here. Summer was starting, the kids were out of school and we still hadn't gotten a solid sitter/ daycare for them. After seeing the rates on daycare so high it didn’t make sense for me to work just to pay daycare. It's like a second rent payment. It really is crazy how much daycare costs. Even for part time kids. So at the last minute we decided that I would take the summer off and do the 'stay home with the kids' thing and Angel would take care of the ' job' thing.

 It wasn’t a big deal. I had stayed home with the kids before while I was going to school. It worked ok. I went to school while the kids were in school and I was out before they got out. It was quite nice. So we agreed that I would take the summer off work to be with the kids and after the summer I would go back to work. Sure I would have to start over at another retail job again but its cool. I was down for it.

Present time, Today…

 When I left my job it was under a bit of tension and I wasn’t able to finish off all my shifts. I felt bad I left the way I did, even it was for my family but I vowed to not let it ruin my leap into a new life. The reality was, I had been in retail for 15 years and my patience with it had been deteriorated.  I was tired of the retail politics and the false entitlement of the customers. I was over it and I was losing my self with every passing minute. In my eyes, I could let go now BEFORE I lost all self control and it ruin me completely… That's it. That’s how I saw it. I needed my dignity in tack for the next phase of my life.

The summer was nice. My oldest went to Texas for the summer vacation and my youngest and I had great adventures. It was a nice break from working. The hiking, the road trips, and sun time was refreshing. But summer was ending and the kids were going back to school. It was time I started preparing myself to go back to work as well.  I started looking for jobs with potential and when I sat down with angel to discuss all my options with him, that was when he hit me with it..

Angel" why don’t you just stay home?"

Me: "What?"

It was then that Angel explained to me that the tattoo shop was doing well and with his job offering him great incentives there wasn’t a need for me to go back to work. You can imagine my surprise. I have worked since I was 14 years old. Paper routes, fast food, retail, medical offices. I always had a job. I always made money. I always pulled my own weight. Well at least that’s how I saw it.. I never though there would be a day where I didn't have to work. And now he wants me to stay home? WTH!! What the hell would I do at home? Who would I talk to all day? How would I keep myself sane? It's weird for me not to have a 9-5 job you know? It's what I do.. Did.

"Ok.. Ok.. Now ladies, I know what you thinking…

"Why are you even questioning this? Go for it!!"

" Stay home!!"

" Take the deal!!""

But I never wanted to feel like I wasn’t contributing. I have been through a lot in my life and not working was always a bad position for me. I always needed to make sure I could handle anything on my own. That I could pay my own way and the way for my kids just incase I was left alone. But Angel has made it perfectly clear that I don’t have to feel like that anymore. That he's here for me for anything. And his next words validated just that.

Angel; "why don’t you work on your business?"

Me: "what?'

 I guess he was right. while we were setting up the tattoo shop I mostly worked a 9-5 job, holding down the house stuff while  he  developed his tattoo credentials and clientele. Now that he was working and holding the house stuff down why shouldn't I take the leap and work on my dream? I could work on my business and develop it. I had only been dabbling in my trade. I hadn't thrown myself in it because I was always busy with the kids and my full time job. I always only dreamt of my business idea becoming  full blown business. He was always encouraging me to do this but I always was the one who held myself back.

"Which is weird because in my 20's I was a go getter..

Always trying new things and putting myself out there.

When  did I become this hermit crab afraid to come out of my shell?"

 Truth be told I am scared. What if it doesn’t pan out? What if my products suck?  What if no-one likes my art? What if it starts raining lollipops and gumdrops an have to start eating those instead? Really, it was just a bunch of excuses I had come up with so that I wouldn't have to quit my comfortable retail job and possibly fail doing my own thing. I wasn’t failing at being a worker bee and following corporate policies. There really wasn’t anything saying that I would fail on my own. I am just scared. I don’t want my kids to see me hold myself back. I want them to grab life by the horns. So I guess I should too, to encourage them to do so as well.

After the summer ended and the kids went back to school  I realized that being a stay at home mom gave me so much more time to myself. Both of my kids are in school with after school activities. There really wasn’t a reason I couldn't work or throw myself into my endeavor. Even with cleaning up the house and cooking dinner I still have all this time.. Im beginning to do the things I didn’t have time for before. Working out, writing and painting again. I actually have an herb garden!! I never really had time to do these things before. There was always work I had to get to. Now I find myself drowning in time. I even have time to come and write this diary for you guys.  :0)

So here I go. Off to start making my dream a reality..

I realize that I cannot stop myself anymore. I can be scared but to let that fear stop me is STUPID.

We shouldn’t be scared to begin a new chapter in our life's.

Go out there ladies and make things happen. Don’t sacrifice your happiness for anything. Grab your Happiness and take your family along for the ride. Do it with love and passion to succeed Show your kids and other people that they can do it too. Share your experience. And I will too.

 Will it be hard work? Probably. Will it change things? Definitely. Will you regret it if you don’t? Yes.  We should make it a point to never do anything we regret.

Act in a way that when people look back on your life they feel inspired to live as happily as you. That they feel inspired to achieve their dreams and goals.

LIVE FREE, FEEL BEAUTIFUL

SUNFLOWERALLY

P.S.. What inspires you? Where do you grab your strength and motivation from?

The Promise I Made This Decade

It’s a silly tradition of mine that every decade I approach in my life…I make myself a new promise of sorts. That I will do something to  change myself and improve my situation.

As I remember adults in my life always telling me to do.

 

" Keep life ever changing. Keep it interesting"..

Well .. Ok..

 

In my teens I promised myself I would graduate high school.

That was a hard accomplishment for me seeing as how I couldn’t keep myself in school. There was always somewhere better for me to be. I never wanted to go to school. And when I did, I didn’t put the effort into it like I should have. When I finally realized " oh crap I need to being doing better at this" I was in my senior year, owed more make-up time than was left in the actual school year and I was about 5 credits short of a diploma. My future didn’t seem so bright and I was slowly drifting down a dangerous road.

 

I woke up one morning at a friends house to a phone call that I always tried to avoid. 

It was my mother.. "ALLISON , WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU.. WHY ARNT YOU IN SCHOOL. ARE THESE GRADES FOR REALS?!?! YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS TO SCHOOL AND GRADUATE NOW!!!"

Mind you I was trying to recover from a massive head ache which I can thank massive quantities of alcohol and all night bonfires for, not to mention the long morning walk across a busy freeway bridge to cross the state line , and beat the sun, to avoid that call that lead to my demise, all while my 17 year old ride ditched me for a substance friendship apparently couldn’t compete with.. I will never forget that day… With makeup still smeared on my face, I went to school that day. And 6 months later, with much difficulty and endless nights of sleep deprivation, I graduated. And I was proud.

 

In my twenties, I promised myself that I would stay strong..

through adversity and emotional pain of learning my lessons the hard way.

 Yes, I was one of those. Didn’t give my self a great kick start in life ,  even though I could have.
In my early 20's I preferred excursions and roaming the coast rather than planting roots I
in solid ground. It was adventurous and free and I wasn’t in a hurry  change my situation.
Then I was gifted with my first diamond, and I quickly realized I was not cut out for the diamond life.

 

There was so much maintenance that went into to keeping diamonds safe and beautiful. And I was having a hard time taming the wild within. I was in a constant battle with my stability and I was in no position to keep diamonds safe. I had no jewelry box, no polish, and NO real plan. Once again,  My future and the future of my diamonds looked very dull and well not very glamorous.

And well..

"There was no way I was gunna be the girl with dull diamonds. " -ME

 I needed to make some changes, and I needed to make them fast.

Inescapably I knew my free range coastal wandering days were coming to an end. And I knew I was going to have to plant my feet in the ground somewhere. I began to slowly work on the things that immediately effected my position in life. Housing, career, company, safety and well being.

 

"You never know how strong you are until your whole world turns upside down

.. then right side up again ..

and then you are left with that tornado of a mess that occurred in the fliping

 that you have to clean up.."

-ME

 

 After a while, with devotion and hard work,  I began to see the lighter side of things. The world didn’t seem so heavy on my shoulders and my insecurities were fading away. And most importantly I was becoming more stable. With the support of my Angel (my partner),  my diamonds were glowing brighter than ever. We became grounded and learned to grow with each other which made me stronger and more confident to stretch out my goals and accomplish more.

 

30 candles and this decades wish for myself.

In keeping with the tradition.. I kind of have.. of making a promise to better myself (and my family now included).. I want to make this decade about not forgetting who I am and what I love.

 Over the last several years I have struggled to maintain my stability , not really maintain stability.

We found that quite easy, my partner and I did, once we got a hold of saving and not over indulging in unnecessary things (i.e. we got over the party stage, the buying random junk that stays in the basement or garage stage, overall learned to budget and compromise and work with each other.)

 I guess stability is the wrong word.

Maybe I meant , I struggled to maintain my sanity. The stability within my self , My identity.

 

"I know there's a lot to take in here. Hang in there."

-ME

 

CAN YOU RELATE?

 Although I had managed to navigate my way through the maze I got my self into the beginning of my journey,  I still  felt like I had forgotten something. Like I forgot to bring something with me.

 I wasn’t missing anything in my life. I had love, happiness, and security..

I was proud that I had truly aimed to turn my life around and I did.  I was proud that I went back to school and didn’t stop myself from learning. Im proud that I was able to become  a strong role model to my family. I was motived and developed discipline.

 

OK SO HERE IT IS..
Truth be told..

 I missed the adventurous side of me. THE ALLY,  that freely roamed the coastal highways and I5 corridor. This person who enjoyed the company of fellow life lovers and travelers. An appreciator of nature and the lessons the road had to offer, the free wisdom of the free world.

I missed it so bad.

 While I was becoming a reliable and responsible mommy, worker bee, and partner..

I had forgotten all the things that I loved as an individual. All the things that I saw and lived. I had forgotten the moments of time that were good and fun. The moments that made life worth living. The moment's when I invented and created. When I used my hands to build and to comfort. Those moments along with the tough ones are what I was made from.  How could I have forgotten all that?

  I had locked that girl deep inside, Into the darkest corner of me. Hidden away because I thought that girl wasn’t good enough. I thought I had to become someone else. Someone responsible and grounded, strong and reliable.

 But ALLY  began to seep through the cracks in my life . And I  began remember her.

She had  ideas and passion. She had charisma and charm. She had freedom.

After I told my angel about how I was feeling he encouraged me to embrace the "old ALLY" and thought it might be fun to set her free. He promised to put up with whatever shenanigans she got us into

(as long as it was within in the lines of the law of course..)
And I promised to remember what I have become and honor her righteously.

 We turned our weekends  into explorative  adventures, beach trips,  hiking, biking, traveling to lunch in different cities. I took mini excursions with my diamonds and my angel having experiences we never knew we could have. I encouraged my diamonds to shine and be adventurous. I have taken up painting and art again. I am indulging in he natural way in life and creating and healing again. 

This is how I want to be. natural and helpful. Making my own creations and free spirited. Healing.

I want to show my diamonds that they could be who they  truly are and do what they love without having to sacrifice a piece of them..  I wand them to know I love them and support them in every thing they decide to do and not to be afraid to incorporate who they are into what they want to be.

 

So what's the promise to myself?
I just had this epiphany so you'll forgive me if its not so organized.

 

This decade, I will be who I am. I will not let fear stop me from doing the things I  have passion for. I will not forget who I am and will embrace this RE-found NEW- found ME! She will evolve and become stronger and wiser.

 

Sneek peek..

 I will birth art,

I want to create and heal. I will learn and I will teach..

I will spread love and peace

I will expand my visions and begin my journey

That’s my promise.

New endeavors, new jewelry box, and new happiness and New

me!  A new me.

 LOL guess it’s the same as the last decades… If I really think about it

 If our phone companies teach us anything.

We're all entitled to an upgrade.

 Who says that doesn’t apply to our soul.